Znajomi
Cho
Edzia
Sefi

Inne
Wojownicy
Blood Wars
WoW Europe
B-Team
anime.com.pl

2011
maj |kwiecień |marzec |luty |styczeń |2010

It's funny

How easy it is now to be removed from my life. One wrong word and your out. And it feels fucking GREAT!







PS. There is no way back. I will get rid of most of you little pests. Be ready, your time will come too!
PS.2. Some people should not worry bout it, but they know that they shouldn't.

Whatever the title XIV

Time for a next note, as many of you have noticed this blog is a bit emotional, and I will keep it that way. It let's me keep those bad emotions away, lock them up you might say. So..

Recently I have been overwhelmed by a feeling of utter failure, every time I'm starting to do something I get the feeling that I will fail. It doesn't matter if it's personal thing or work, it's all the same. I wouldn't say it's a despair, it's rather resignation. A feeling of pure and sure failure. I hope to overcome this some time in the future.

Also I've been struck by by my own distrust of people. I have become aware that everywhere I look I'm subconsciously trying to find evil intentions directed at myself. Sometimes I hurt people by thinking that and make them disgusted with my. I don't know If I can do something bout this uncertainty of mine and start believing people. I would really like to believe you all, but every time you say something favourable I can't help but think that you are mocking me. That deep inside you are laughing at me and thinking how to use it against me. This also develops certain other fears which are beginning to get annoying. So don't be surprised If I won't believe you.

To end this note I will mention one thing, that I decided to keep my feeling about others to myself. So don't be surprised I my answer to your question: "Do you like me?" will be: "Dunno"

Whatever the title XIII

Ok, some thing that have been going on since the new year. I started feeling more and more out of place, unfitting. Somewhat not really with people I care. I found myself being only called for when needed, almost never without a reason. I tried to remove myself from my friends circles but that failed, I can't really live with that people and yet I can't live without them. It's stupid and frustrating. I don't know maybe I just need someone intimately close, someone that won't ignore me, someone that will be there for me when I want to, like I am for others. I need someone to give my a lot of space yet fill my space. Someone to leave me alone yet just stand waiting around the corner. I would pretty much want to be someone's centre of the universe.

That's all.

Whatever the title XII

In course of recent events people tend to write about the passing year on their blogs. I found this somewhat amusing and interesting to read those texts. After reading a few of them I decided to make a sum up of this year here.

At the beginning of the year I have endured a personal horror, although I'm somewhat over with it, it still lingers in my mind. Have I really earned such treatment by my actions? Is that the way love and devotion are awarded? If so, I wish to be unable of such feelings. And what's funny it was a child, not even mentally stable, that I have fallen for. What a joke. Well I came over it, somewhat. It also caused that I parted with my great passion for some time. Which I regret, she wasn't worth it. Even writing these words is a bit hard but...

It had it good sides, thanks to that I think my friendship with Naomi started. Which is something important in my life, first true female friend. Surprising but enjoyable.

In February I went for Love Convention, was not what I have hoped for, but still was quite fun. Also Maru helped me a lot during that time. I got to somewhat know Avi, weird girl but undeniably sexy and tempting. I also got "in touch" with Fotostudio team which I am grateful for. I am so happy that I met Edzia and Bahamut. They are an important part of my life now.

After that there was somewhat a stagnation, basically an unending marathon of Anime. I confined myself to my own world and only let myself out to meet Naomi or go to Conventions.

Yeah I went to Magni, the weird Convention, as some events partially ruined it. Although I am happy that I went there since there I met Cho, my Waffel xD Also spent some quality time with friends.

After that passing through long hours of conversations with some friends I went to Łódź to spend time with Cho mainly but also with Edzia, Bahamut and Sefi. After that I attended Childhood. Those WoW cosplays made me really happy.

After that there was Balcon 2010, convention I worked hard on. Had even few health problems because of working too hard but still It made me happy. I again got to spend some time with friends, although some of them acted really childishly.

Then B-2, convention I didn't really attend too much as I didn't have time for it. Although I got to cook for Naomi, and in turn of events, for Had also.

After B-2 I returned to WoW, I also started preparing for FCE, yeah I know, too easy but I gotta catch em all ;P

Also! Which is VERY important for me! I visited Cho, Edzia, Bahamut and Maciek in Łódź, I haven't had that much fun in a long time, thank you guys. I really love you all :* Hope that PC I choose is performing well ;P

Then we had BXC, weird convention but to hell with it! I had my share of fun, especially after in the House of Beer ;)

Am I writing only about conventions? Yeah xD

Well I also attended CafeCon's and SPODeK's, was sometimes fun, but that kind of fun is not for me. I tend to feel too isolated form everyone and unneeded.

Lately I had found a person I am fond of, that's good but that won't change anything, well at least if that person doesn't want it.

So... to sum up:

I had good time - sometimes
My PC went down in flames - I got a new one :]
I had many occasions to cry, yet I couldn't shed tears.
I had lots of laugh, seen few good movies with friends.
I found a friend I really needed.
I told one story I haven't told anyone, to Naomi, thanks for listening.
I have understood that I may be in but I will never be a part of fandom, I will always be a freelancer.

So for upcoming year, the 2011, what I foresee? Uhm, nothing xD I don't have clairvoyance xD

But what I think is:

There is no hope for me.
I will not give up but try to push on alone.
I will push away anyone who will stand in my way.
And I will not accept any feelings for me. Fuck off ladies, I had enough.
I will still hit on Czizu :D

The 25 note.

Ok so...


Quarter of a century behind me, still no g... car. Damn!

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